tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88952665846687515482024-02-20T03:50:52.821-08:00Up From AshesJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-50946639983424719872013-01-02T17:18:00.000-08:002013-01-02T17:20:44.528-08:00The Scare, Detailed<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">One of the major hiccups that delayed me in getting back to blogging has been the
health crisis I mentioned in my last entry. It was such a traumatic, scary
experience, and it was so all-consuming for so long, I felt like I needed to
write about what happened before I could write about anything else. Although
I’m feeling much more secure now than I was immediately following the scare,
it’s still an important part of my story and will certainly impact my wellness
moving forward—so it deserves to be told.<br />
<br />In August or September of last year, I scheduled an appointment with an
optometrist. I had been getting a lot of migraines and figured that I probably
needed new prescription lenses… and anyway, I was <u>really</u> ready for a new pair of
glasses! The day of my original appointment, the optometrist’s secretary called me to
reschedule because the doctor was out ill for the day. I rescheduled out another
month, but wound up calling back a couple weeks later to see if I could be seen
sooner via a different doctor.<br />
<br />I would have been fine with waiting, but my eyes had started to do strange things. Suddenly, I was seeing floaters—lots
of them. I was having flashes of light so bright that I could see nothing but
whiteness. My eyes couldn’t seem to focus on certain things, like the computer
monitor at work. Worse, my headaches were getting significantly more severe.<br />
<br />
The eye exam started off normally. I had all of the standard tests done with a
nurse, then had the opportunity to browse the frames before I met with the
optometrist himself. As soon as he started peering into my eyes, however, I
knew that there was something wrong. I remember my palms sweating, and I
remember saying something about how my eyes must have gotten so much worse…
especially my right eye. As he placed the dilating drops in my eyes, he said
that my prescription had scarcely changed, and that interestingly enough, my
right eye was the stronger of the two.<br />
<br />
Sitting in the waiting room for 15 minutes while my eyes dilated was torture. As
the drops took over, my vision became so blurred that I could hardly see. I was anxious to begin with, but worrying about going blind and musing over the doctor’s
puzzling comments made me downright panic. Finally, the doctor called me back
into his office. The rest is a blur—he told me that my right optic nerve was
significantly swollen, which indicates pressure from behind. A tumor? A blood
clot? I had to go to the Emergency Room immediately to get an MRI done.<br />
<br />
I remember calling my mom in tears, and her coming to pick me up from the
clinic to drive me to the ER. I remember the endless waiting and finally
being called for the MRI, dreading it all the way because the last one I had
(elbow, nerve tumor, 2009) had been miserable. This one wasn’t as bad; the
nurses were wonderful. Despite all of the worry, testing, and waiting, results from this night of hell were inconclusive. No
tumor and no blood clot meant that I wasn’t in immediate danger of dying, so
they sent me home with directions to follow up with a neuro-optometrist the
next morning.<br />
<br />
The initial appointment with the neuro-optometrist was another joy. I was badly
shaken, exhausted from the night before, and terrified of what I would learn. I
was there for over 5 hours, taking tests, having pictures taken of my eyes and
optic nerves, trying to read wall charts and failing miserably. The
neuro-optometrist was polite but professional and fairly short (in words <i>and</i> stature). She found both optic
nerves to be swollen, although the right was much worse than the left. I had
lost a significant amount of vision in my right eye, which she said may be
temporary or permanent.<br /><br />Her diagnosis was <a href="http://www.ihrfoundation.org/" target="_blank">intracranial hypertension</a>, made worse
by my age, weight, and prescription Lithium. (Let me tell you, there's nothing so shaming as the "You-should-really-lose-weight-but-I'm-being-nice-about-it" speech, delivered by an ultra-skinny doc!) Anyway, she made a referral for me to have
a lumbar puncture (“spinal tap”) within the next 1-2 weeks.<br />
<br />
I didn’t understand what was happening, what was wrong with me, or what to
expect. I was miserable, knowing that there was <b>TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON MY BRAIN OMG!</b> but none of the doctors seemed too concerned. In fact, the clinic lost my referral, so I was to wait a full 2 weeks for the procedure. Meanwhile, my headaches
continued raging, I lost all sight in my right eye for several terrifying
moments <b>TWICE</b>, and I lived with the knowledge and fear that my brain was under some serious stress.<br />
<br />The weekend following my initial ER visit was horrible. I spent all weekend in bed, trying to
escape the headache that pounded incessantly in my ears. Finally, my mom talked me into calling urgent care to see if they could give me anything for my headache, and after reviewing my
case and noting my worsening symptoms, I was referred (again!) to the ER so that the lumbar puncture could be done on an emergency basis.<br />
<br />
The spinal tap itself was torturous. Although I was given a local anesthetic, I
felt every jab of the needle, felt it inside my spine, felt the grinding in my
teeth. Because I’m overweight, it was harder for them to get a successful draw (again</span><span style="line-height: 17px;">—</span><span style="line-height: 115%;">the gently-phrased but still hurtful to my sensitive soul</span><span style="line-height: 17px;">—</span><span style="line-height: 115%;">comments from the doctors... "Sorry, it's more challenging when it's harder to make out the individual discs...") When they were finally able to get the needle in place, they were amazed. The spinal fluid released
with such force that it literally started spraying out into the collection
tube—they had never seen that before.</span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
<br />
It might have been because I was shivering and crying and trying not to vomit,
but the draw itself seemed to take forever. The fluid kept coming and coming,
and the doctors had to use a second and then third collection tube because so much fluid was
trapped within. Once I was bandaged, drugged (aaah), and receiving IV fluids,
the doctors put the severity of the situation into perspective for me…<br />
<br />
A normal, healthy lumbar pressure is around 10-15, although certain factors
(such as age, weight, etc.) may influence an individual’s pressure. My lumbar
pressure clocked in at 45. 45! I vaguely remember feeling proud of myself, like
this was an accomplishment of sorts. The doctors then told me that, at that
level of hypertension, my brain should have been hemorrhaging. I should have
had a stroke. I could have had permanent brain damage, or worse—the condition
could have been fatal.<br />
<br />
The aftermath has been a challenge, also. For the first several days following the
puncture, my lower back and hips hurt so badly that I could
hardly get out of bed to pee. When I did start trying to move around, the Diamox I had
started taking to keep the fluid level down made me feel faint. It was a low
point for me—especially because I had been yanked from the comfort of my
Lithium and plunged into a depressive episode.<br />
<br />
Recovery continued (and continues) to be an ongoing process. By now, most of
the major issues—mood, memory loss, cognition problems, soreness—seem to be
resolved. I had my first follow-up with the neuro-optometrist in November, and
although my optic nerves are still swollen (she reports that this may take
“months” to go down), the vision in my right eye is already improved.<br />
<br />
I have my next follow-up on Monday, and I’m hoping (and expecting!)
improvements. Surgery and other invasive therapies may be necessary
depending on how well my body has been able to heal on its own, and at this
point, I’m just rolling with what comes. I’ll do whatever is necessary to stay healthy.
After a brush with my own mortality, every day feels like a blessing.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-10471721785810451762013-01-01T20:03:00.001-08:002013-01-01T20:18:58.827-08:00On Starting Over<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FzOjLAHWwkg/UOO0Yvu7jtI/AAAAAAAAARM/rL2c1BSlsRw/s1600/newyear.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FzOjLAHWwkg/UOO0Yvu7jtI/AAAAAAAAARM/rL2c1BSlsRw/s320/newyear.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">I have mixed feelings about resolutions. I’ve
never had good luck with them—the ambition sputters and is gone within a few
weeks, and I’m left feeling worse than before… (a) because I still have the
“problem behavior,” and (b) because I failed at another resolution.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">
<br />
Most resolutions focus on improving one’s life in some way. Every year that I
can remember making resolutions, the list reads exactly the same: eat well,
drink more water, find ways to better manage stress, be good to myself, etc.
I’m trying to get myself away from my usual thinking that I have to wait for a
specified date to fly or fall. This sucks me into the all-or-nothing pattern
that I am so prone to. <br />
<br />
Instead, I’m trying to picture my “resolutions” as an ongoing journey. The goal
of overall wellness never fades—the empty promises I make to myself do. Since I
started this blog in August, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but I’ve made a
lot of progress, too. I don’t want to undermine how far I’ve come… I want to
celebrate my success and keep the momentum going!<br />
<br />
So call it what you will, one “resolution” that I’ve had for some time now is
to begin writing in this blog on a regular basis. I’ve always found journaling
to be very therapeutic, and I realize now how much I’d come to rely on this
little piece of cyber space to keep me grounded, focused, disciplined, and motivated.
Because I am so hard on myself (and then use my “failure” as an excuse to quit
altogether), I need to celebrate my little victories. Likewise, I need to
process when I mess up so that I can move on.<br />
<br />
As 2013 rolls in, I find myself in an exciting place. I am nearly to the 20
pounds lost mark, which is farther than I have ever made it in a weight loss
venture before! I’m also so close to being able to say “I lost 10% of my body
weight!” that I can almost taste it. These looming milestones are propelling me
forward.<br />
<br />
I also have concerns to face, mostly stemming from the health crisis I had in
October (long story—that deserves its own entry). I may be looking at surgery,
ongoing medications, and other therapies to fully recover and to prevent
relapse. Diamox, the major medication that I’m on in relation to this
condition, suppresses my appetite… which certainly helps with weight loss, but
leaves me worried about my nutrient intake.<br />
<br />
Following the health scare, which left me bedridden for a week and my body in
shock for weeks as it attempted to heal itself, I have gotten sorely out of the
work out groove. I can truly say I miss it—especially the burn afterwards, when
the tenderness in your body reminds you that you’ve worked hard. I was lucky
enough to receive an iPod Nano for Christmas this year, and I’m looking forward
to loading it with good tunes and getting moving again. I can’t wait for warmer
weather to arrive again, so that I can resume my outdoor walk/runs. Those
twilight hours were magical.<br />
<br />
Okay, 2013… ready or not, here I come!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B3R5zWFLf5E/UOOzg5PQwAI/AAAAAAAAARA/j7AR1yWp8gU/s1600/indeed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B3R5zWFLf5E/UOOzg5PQwAI/AAAAAAAAARA/j7AR1yWp8gU/s320/indeed.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-59927326005428426902012-09-11T14:17:00.000-07:002013-01-01T20:09:57.559-08:00Where is my Motivation?Let me tell you how it's been.<br />
<br />
Well, basically, it hasn't.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-x0RbjcwkOAc/UE9038jUksI/AAAAAAAAAQU/u1-aXTzqhXc/s1600/558416_597575512361_440333228_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-x0RbjcwkOAc/UE9038jUksI/AAAAAAAAAQU/u1-aXTzqhXc/s320/558416_597575512361_440333228_n.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
I don't know exactly what triggered my derailing (I'm fighting the urge to add "this time"), but I think it was a culmination of factors that brought me here.<br />
<br />
My baby girl started kindergarten on September 4th, and while I don't blame that explicitly for my lack of motivation, I do know that it has been a stressor. Watching your child grow up and venture into the world is beautiful and--for me, anyway-- incredibly emotional and stressful.<br />
<br />
The first day of school was overwhelming for Phoenix and I both. I even burst into tears at the grocery store! When the cashier asked if I was alright, I blubbered "MY-BABY-STARTED-KINDERGARTEN" by way of explanation.<br />
<br />
Since then, I haven't necessarily been off-track... but I certainly haven't been on-track, either. I haven't been eating terribly, but I haven't made myself proud by any means. I've scarcely been tracking at all. Water consumption has been passable (around 48 ounces per day), but I've noticed more headaches as my water levels have dropped off. Exercise? None.<br />
<br />
I have so many excuses... I've been sick, I've been sore, I've been crampy... so many ways to justify my laziness to myself.<br />
<br />
I've gained some weight back, but I'm not stressing over it. I want to get back on track, but more importantly, I want to examine why I get off track in the first place and brainstorm ways to prevent getting lost again.<br />
<br />
Something tells me I'll feel a whole lot better once I get in a good work out. Enough thinking... now it's time to JUST DO IT.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9SXN26P80Bg/UE-qGJCTGkI/AAAAAAAAAQs/p3ymIzefu4A/s1600/79727855873107201_JHDtaVSA_f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9SXN26P80Bg/UE-qGJCTGkI/AAAAAAAAAQs/p3ymIzefu4A/s1600/79727855873107201_JHDtaVSA_f.jpg" /></a></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-68612932396261954822012-08-28T20:43:00.000-07:002012-08-28T20:43:55.862-07:00Focus<span id="goog_1207094049"></span><span id="goog_1207094050"></span>So I was all set to blog about my lack of focus after being sick Saturday, splurging on Sunday, and being completely and utterly exhausted yesterday...<br />
<br />
And then something clicked. I don't know exactly what/when/why, but suddenly trying to talk myself into being back on track turned into actually being on track. Doesn't hurt that I hit a new low weight today, and I'm only a pound-and-a-half away from being down 10 pounds (already)!<br />
<br />
I've been pushing the water all day and got in a great workout this evening, which also helps. One of these days, I'll start a basic strength-training program, but my focus for now has been jump-starting the cardio and starting to build up some endurance. It's disheartening to see how out of shape I am as compared to I was six months ago even, but I'm confident that I'll continue to bounce back quickly.<br />
<br />
<span id="goog_457046677"></span><span id="goog_457046678"></span>Here's a recap of my week:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #93c47d;">Got in 145 fitness minutes and burned almost 700 calories!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #93c47d;">Averaged 80-100 ounces of water 5 out of 7 days!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #93c47d;">Made overall healthy food choices 5 out of 7 days!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #93c47d;">Stayed in my calorie range on 5 out of 7 days!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #93c47d;">Practiced mindful eating <u>every</u> <u>day</u>!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: orange;">Got plenty of sleep on Saturday and Sunday.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #cc0000;">Averaged only 6.5 hours of sleep on week nights.</span></li>
</ul>
<div>
Not bad, considering. My goals for this week are generally the same, although I'm going to amp up the challenge a bit. I think I'm ready.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1 -- Perform 150+ minutes of exercise/physical activity.</div>
<div>
2 -- Drink 64+ ounces of water every day.</div>
<div>
3 -- Stay in my calorie range on at least 5 days.</div>
<div>
4 -- Work on getting more sleep, particularly on week nights.</div>
<div>
5 -- Continue to journal and self-reflect.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
All in all, I'm really starting to feel like a new person. I would love to elaborate, but if I write much more, I'm going to jeopardize my good night's sleep. More tomorrow.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b></div>
Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-21892774565823881682012-08-23T20:50:00.000-07:002012-08-28T20:20:27.793-07:00What a Day!Having Bipolar II Disorder, I'm no stranger to cycling moods... but that doesn't make them any easier to cope with. Treatment has helped, but it's to be expected that the therapy will need some "tweaking." Until then, I'm sometimes left to the mercy of my body and my Lithium.<br />
<br />
And I'll be honest, I'm feeling down this evening. I can't identify any concrete trigger except for the general stress of my situation, but this spell is threatening everything I've fought so hard to accomplish these past few weeks.<br />
<br />
I've been beating myself up all night. I'm fat, I can't do anything right, I'm a failure, I'm destined to be alone, and on and on. I'm worlds away from the patient, forgiving self I was less than 12 hours ago. For the first night in over a week, I moped around on the couch, watched crap T.V., and ate munchies right from the bag--I didn't even <u>think</u> about portion size.<br />
<br />
I recognize the toxicity of these thought patterns. I know I fall victim to them every time, except this time, I'm fighting back. I'm holding on to the small victories I've won so far; trying to envision my life as evolving, unfurling like a flower into a blissful being.<br />
<br />
Desperate, I Googled "fitness inspiration." After a bit of surfing, I stumbled upon this image:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OXMAGkRKPGo/UDb40vQvdXI/AAAAAAAAAOI/VLg48NAPiaA/s1600/what-a-day-to-be-alive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="297" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OXMAGkRKPGo/UDb40vQvdXI/AAAAAAAAAOI/VLg48NAPiaA/s400/what-a-day-to-be-alive.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I cried. Whether it was the image, or the message, or the music, or the day... I burst into tears.</div>
<br />
Today <u>IS</u> a good day to be alive, and tomorrow will be, too. I will allow myself to feel the depths and ranges of my moods, but I will <u>NOT</u> tolerate self-abuse any longer. I need to love myself unconditionally--celebrate my accomplishments, learn from my mistakes, and move on.<br />
<br />
One bite at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time. And they're all beautiful.<br />
<br />
<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-73066724623786691122012-08-21T21:48:00.001-07:002012-08-28T20:19:54.324-07:00Progress is SuccessMy poor, neglected blog!<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm trying not to beat myself up too much for not updating sooner. "Bittersweet" is the only way to describe this past week. I have accomplished many goals and made myself so incredibly proud, but life has a funny way of balancing itself out. My uncle-by-choice passed away early yesterday morning after a 9-month battle against leukemia. I'm processing this loss in other outlets (i.e., my private journal), but in sum, we all know how much death sucks. I don't think it's hit me yet.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This past week, I met or exceeded most of my goals. Here's an itemized re-cap of last week:</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #6aa84f;">Got in 110 fitness minutes!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #6aa84f;">Averaged 80-100 ounces of water <u>every</u> <u>day</u>!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #6aa84f;">Made overall healthy food choices <u>every</u> <u>day</u>!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #6aa84f;">Practiced mindful eating with only one transgression --<i> Just one little doughnut!</i></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #6aa84f;">Re-activated my Spark People account! -- Follow me here:</span> <a href="http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=PALEPHOENIX" target="_blank">PALEPHOENIX</a></li>
<li><span style="color: orange;">Only journaled once, but that's better than nothing.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #cc0000;">Only got about 6-7 hours of sleep each night.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: orange;">Didn't get in much mantra or meditation.</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div>
I'm digging the weekly breakdown! Think I'll stick with it in coming weeks.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't think I'm going to force eight goals upon myself this week... in retrospect, that's probably a lot to take on at once. I have to remember -- baby steps, baby steps. Here are my goals for this week:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1 -- Perform 100+ minutes of exercise/physical activity.</div>
<div>
2 -- Drink 64+ ounces of water every day.</div>
<div>
3 -- Stay in my calorie range on at least 5 days.</div>
<div>
4 -- Make a genuine effort to get 8 hours of sleep on at least 5 days.</div>
<div>
5 -- Continue to journal and work on blog pages.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ds1bskolJFw/UDRcpMsmwtI/AAAAAAAAAN4/p6lutLX9nzc/s1600/conf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ds1bskolJFw/UDRcpMsmwtI/AAAAAAAAAN4/p6lutLX9nzc/s320/conf.jpg" width="169" /></a></div>
<div>
As always, I'm eager to push myself, but I also need to be cautious of burnout and injury. Unfortunately, I've been having some problems with my right knee and both shins--I think these are exercise-related "injuries." I've self-diagnosed my shin problems as shin splints (thank you, WebMD) but I still need to look into home care for the pain.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've never been a runner before, and I imagine that I probably have horrible form. It doesn't help that I'm carrying around so much extra weight, and that I'm a huge klutz anyways. This weekend I'm going to look into arch support insoles for my running shoes to see if that helps. I also plan on incorporating a warm up/cool down segment to my workouts. It's something I should have been doing all along, really.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Most importantly, this week, I'm going to be kind to myself. If I'm in a lot of pain, I might not get in all of my fitness minutes... or it might be a steady walk instead of a walk/run. I'm going to be okay with whatever I'm capable of, and know that I continue to make progress in the right direction.<br />
<br />
<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b></div>
<div>
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Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-12363059198530346632012-08-16T20:08:00.001-07:002012-08-16T20:08:56.189-07:00249.8<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I wanted to take a minute to check in about my week and my progress...<br />
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This week has been interesting, but I've achieved a higher level of focus than ever before. Despite some obstacles and setbacks, I am forging ahead and making myself truly proud.<br />
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I'm on track to meet my fitness minutes this week; it helps that the weather has been so gorgeous! I did my walk/jog loop on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday, while I did some strenuous yard work and some basic resistance training on Wednesday. I surprised myself this afternoon with a burst of energy at the end of my walk, and I sprinted the half-block home. Although this doesn't sound like a huge accomplishment, it really is a big deal for me. I don't think I've moved so fast in years--I felt so free!<br />
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One hidden benefit to my afternoon cardio sessions is that it gives me some much needed time alone. For those 20-30 minutes, I allow myself the luxury of thinking about myself for a change. I process the day's events and center myself; I think about goals, ambitions, and wants. I'm not sure if it's the exercise, the self-care, or both... but I have felt very centered all week long.<br />
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If I haven't eaten perfectly, at least I've eaten well all week. The first couple days were difficult, but now I find myself craving less junk food. I was also pleased to find that my hunger levels have been significantly lower. This may because of the small, frequent "meals" or my increase in water consumption.<br />
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Unfortunately, I haven't gotten enough sleep all week, but I haven't been beating myself up about it. At least the sleep I have gotten is deeper, more restful, and I actually feel refreshed (once I've had my coffee, mind). Likewise, I have yet to start up a Spark People account, but I do plan on tackling that goal this weekend.<br />
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I've been practicing two mantras this week. One is an old standby that aids in the removal of obstacles. The other is a new favorite--"I can and I will!" Love.<br />
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Finally, I have two major victories to share. I have officially lost 5 pounds since around Wednesday of last week (although I suspect much of this is water weight, it's motivating nonetheless!) Also, today when I stepped on the scale, I clocked in at 249.8. Instead of seeing the long way I have to go, I'm seeing the progress I've made already--this is the first time I have weighed in in the 240's in probably at least six months!<br />
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A great weekend awaits ~<br />
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-72903914635935763742012-08-12T21:21:00.001-07:002012-08-12T21:21:09.072-07:00My Dream, My WayJust a quick note before bed; I wanted to make sure I touched in with the goals I have developed for myself this week.<div>
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1 -- Perform 100 minutes of exercise/physical activity.</div>
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2 -- Drink 64 ounces of water on at least 5 days.</div>
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3 -- Make overall healthy food choices on at least 5 days.</div>
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4 -- Practice being aware while eating; no more mindless snacking.</div>
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5 -- Create a Spark People account.</div>
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6 -- Journal and/or blog on at least 4 days.</div>
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7 -- Mediate and/or mantra on at least 3 days.</div>
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8 -- Get a full 8 hours of sleep each day.</div>
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I understand that these goals are vague. At this point, I want them to be. I have a tendency to be too hard on myself. Historically, one goal violation sends me flying off the bandwagon, and I wind up worse than I was before. I realize that I have many bad habits that need to be changed, and I'd be setting myself up for failure if I expected perfection. One breath at a time, one bite at a time, one day at a time.</div>
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I went for another walk/jog today. I pushed myself a little harder this time, doing four or five shorter jogging intervals (about 30-60 seconds each) instead of one longer interval (about 90 seconds). I didn't experience as much cardiovascular fatigue as I did last time--no burning breaths, no aching teeth. This time around, my muscles and joint are particularly sore, and especially around the ankle. It's hard to tell if I'm sore because I'm overweight and pushing my physical limitations or if it's because I have poor running form, but this is something I'll need to look into if I intend to become a more serious "runner."</div>
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Time to recharge for tomorrow... I'm off to work on #8!</div>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b></div>
Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-48586227844405787392012-08-10T16:38:00.001-07:002012-08-10T16:38:28.444-07:00Baby StepsJust got home from the most amazing power walk/jog.<br />
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My loop is just over a mile long and winds next to scenic marshland, a nice park, and quiet residences. Although I'm incredibly self-conscious of all my huffing and puffing, I feel comfortable with this route. It's safe, it's convenient, and it's doable.<br />
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I didn't time myself, but I think I took about 20 minutes. To warm up, I started off with a power walk, then jogged for a block and a half. Honestly, I was winded and ready to quit by the end of that first block, but I wanted to push myself a little bit further. I set my sights on a fire hydrant up ahead and slowed to a walk again once I reached it.<br />
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I alternated between a relaxing pace and a power walk for the rest of the route. I was definitely feeling it--it's amazing how much endurance I've lost, even these few short months. My nasal passage burned with every breath and my teeth throbbed. For awhile, all I could focus on was getting home again. I forced myself to push through it.<br />
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I was so out of it that I surprised myself when I reached the corner of my block. I jogged the last half-block home, but how could I not with the sun beating down and "Mr. Brightside" in my ear buds?<br />
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The success of this walk feels so different from other workouts I've put in. Instead of bullying myself for not jogging more and for being so out of shape, I'm celebrating the fact that I took the time for some real cardio. I pushed myself through the pain, and I feel amazing now. The lingering burn in my calves and thighs is a constant reminder of this little victory!<br />
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Now for a delicious, nutritious dinner and a relaxing evening with my daughter. What more could I ask for?<br />
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-37123555062465203972012-08-09T19:55:00.001-07:002012-08-09T19:58:21.825-07:00Reality Check<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MR1g9brH9d4/UCR1_F9k_VI/AAAAAAAAANY/AGHcDYk1rms/s1600/NEVERAGAIN.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MR1g9brH9d4/UCR1_F9k_VI/AAAAAAAAANY/AGHcDYk1rms/s320/NEVERAGAIN.jpg" width="123" /></a>Last weekend, I had the pleasure of being my best friend's maid of honor. Pictures from the wedding have been slowly making their way onto Facebook, and (I hate to admit) I've been un-tagging myself from most of them. I'm too embarrassed to have them appearing on my timeline for everyone and their brother to see, because holy shit, I've gotten a lot bigger than I realized!<br />
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It's one thing to see the numbers on the scale slowly rising. What's a pound here, three pounds there? But those pounds add up, and it's evident when you look at me now.<br />
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I've seen myself in mirrors, sure. I know my face is rounder, I have the double chin going on, and stretchmarks are spreading along my arms, stomach, and thighs. Still, I guess it didn't really register. The camera is a non-biased observer; it documents the reality. I had to see it from the outside before I could believe it.<br />
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The hardest part of all this is that it's making me crave a miracle fix that simply doesn't exist. I'm ashamed by what I've let myself become--the physical and the mental, everything--and I want to hide myself away until I'm well again. Until I'm ME again. Since that's not possible, my next impulse is to hide in seclusion and "heal" myself with junk food and trashy television. I won't let that be an option this time, although I know I have a long journey ahead of me. Progress will be slow, it will be difficult, and it will be disheartening. I already want to give up, except...<br />
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...I can't. Not this time. I've had my moment of basking in self-pity, but I know that won't get me anywhere but down.<br />
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Instead, my plan for tonight is to have a mini-workout, a few cold glasses of water, and a good night's sleep. I need to allow myself to feel my feelings, and I need to energize for tomorrow.<br />
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Mark the calendar--this is me, embracing the journey.<br />
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8895266584668751548.post-15793709849767929702012-08-07T20:16:00.001-07:002012-08-07T20:16:52.541-07:00TodayToday is the day.<br />
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And why not? It's as good as any other, and I can't go on the way I've been.<br />
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I don't pretend that this will be a quick fix; I have way too much going on for that. I have my work cut out for me, but it's time to reclaim myself.<br />
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Today's the day I begin pulling myself up from ashes.<br />
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">★ jenna</b>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08570354930371881549noreply@blogger.com0