Tuesday, January 1, 2013

On Starting Over

I have mixed feelings about resolutions. I’ve never had good luck with them—the ambition sputters and is gone within a few weeks, and I’m left feeling worse than before… (a) because I still have the “problem behavior,” and (b) because I failed at another resolution.

Most resolutions focus on improving one’s life in some way. Every year that I can remember making resolutions, the list reads exactly the same: eat well, drink more water, find ways to better manage stress, be good to myself, etc. I’m trying to get myself away from my usual thinking that I have to wait for a specified date to fly or fall. This sucks me into the all-or-nothing pattern that I am so prone to.

Instead, I’m trying to picture my “resolutions” as an ongoing journey. The goal of overall wellness never fades—the empty promises I make to myself do. Since I started this blog in August, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but I’ve made a lot of progress, too. I don’t want to undermine how far I’ve come… I want to celebrate my success and keep the momentum going!

So call it what you will, one “resolution” that I’ve had for some time now is to begin writing in this blog on a regular basis. I’ve always found journaling to be very therapeutic, and I realize now how much I’d come to rely on this little piece of cyber space to keep me grounded, focused, disciplined, and motivated. Because I am so hard on myself (and then use my “failure” as an excuse to quit altogether), I need to celebrate my little victories. Likewise, I need to process when I mess up so that I can move on.

As 2013 rolls in, I find myself in an exciting place. I am nearly to the 20 pounds lost mark, which is farther than I have ever made it in a weight loss venture before! I’m also so close to being able to say “I lost 10% of my body weight!” that I can almost taste it. These looming milestones are propelling me forward.

I also have concerns to face, mostly stemming from the health crisis I had in October (long story—that deserves its own entry). I may be looking at surgery, ongoing medications, and other therapies to fully recover and to prevent relapse. Diamox, the major medication that I’m on in relation to this condition, suppresses my appetite… which certainly helps with weight loss, but leaves me worried about my nutrient intake.

Following the health scare, which left me bedridden for a week and my body in shock for weeks as it attempted to heal itself, I have gotten sorely out of the work out groove. I can truly say I miss it—especially the burn afterwards, when the tenderness in your body reminds you that you’ve worked hard. I was lucky enough to receive an iPod Nano for Christmas this year, and I’m looking forward to loading it with good tunes and getting moving again. I can’t wait for warmer weather to arrive again, so that I can resume my outdoor walk/runs. Those twilight hours were magical.

Okay, 2013… ready or not, here I come!

★ jenna

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