Thursday, August 23, 2012

What a Day!

Having Bipolar II Disorder, I'm no stranger to cycling moods... but that doesn't make them any easier to cope with.  Treatment has helped, but it's to be expected that the therapy will need some "tweaking."  Until then, I'm sometimes left to the mercy of my body and my Lithium.

And I'll be honest, I'm feeling down this evening.  I can't identify any concrete trigger except for the general stress of my situation, but this spell is threatening everything I've fought so hard to accomplish these past few weeks.

I've been beating myself up all night.  I'm fat, I can't do anything right, I'm a failure, I'm destined to be alone, and on and on.  I'm worlds away from the patient, forgiving self I was less than 12 hours ago.  For the first night in over a week, I moped around on the couch, watched crap T.V., and ate munchies right from the bag--I didn't even think about portion size.

I recognize the toxicity of these thought patterns.  I know I fall victim to them every time, except this time, I'm fighting back.  I'm holding on to the small victories I've won so far; trying to envision my life as evolving, unfurling like a flower into a blissful being.

Desperate, I Googled "fitness inspiration."  After a bit of surfing, I stumbled upon this image:

I cried.  Whether it was the image, or the message, or the music, or the day... I burst into tears.

Today IS a good day to be alive, and tomorrow will be, too.  I will allow myself to feel the depths and ranges of my moods, but I will NOT tolerate self-abuse any longer.  I need to love myself unconditionally--celebrate my accomplishments, learn from my mistakes, and move on.

One bite at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.  And they're all beautiful.

★ jenna

No comments:

Post a Comment